At Fresh Fruit Pie, we’re always looking for ways to make the show more amazing, cool, funny, etc. Unique ideas, eye-catching props, and freaky-awesome costumes – we want it all. Sometimes on the journey to find this stuff, strange things happen. So strange, in fact, that these adventures could easily be called:
Sick, twisted, real-life fairy tales.
You are about to read one of these stories.
Once upon a time (as in, a few days ago), I set off on a search for treasures (trinkets that could double as props/costumes) in a faraway land (road trip to the mall). One item on the prop list to search for: an interesting necktie. You know, the ones that office guys wear to work every day.
Most ties are boring or, even worse, stylish. And stylish is not good enough for Fresh Fruit Pie – we need something that’s wicked awesome or, at the very least, cheesy. So the hunt was on.
As I walked through the mall, passing by glitzy stores filled with overpriced stylish bath towels, I soon discovered a little mom & pop store with a big sign posted on the front window:
Going out of business. 50% off everything.
Sweet! Cheap stuff we can cover in slime!
Then it hit me. I noticed a tie rack at the very front of the store. A moment later, I saw it – THE ONE. A black piece of polyester beauty covered in pictures of floating dollar bills – 100s, 50s, 20s. It was perfect for a scene in the first episode (you’ll have to wait for the show’s release to see how we use it). Even the price was right: $2. I had to buy it and couldn’t wait to try it on.
As I struggled to tear the tie off the rack, the manager of the store, a lady born and raised in China, approached me: “You like? Feel free to look around. Take all the time you need. I give you big discount.”
I took her up on the offer. Why not?
So I browse through the store, and immediately I see tons upon tons of cool stuff: Chinese wall art, fancy clothing, and, what’s this – samurai swords?! I hit the jackpot. I felt like a kid in a candy store. The whole store was mine! For 50% off!
My wallet was screaming NO. But my boyish curiosity (and the petite Asian manager) was screaming YES!
I plucked out a cool shirt that caught my eye. “Chinese royalty wears this,” she said. Chinese royalty? I could look like royalty?! Sweet! The shirt was on sale for $12.50. SOLD!
“Okay,” I thought to myself, “I splurged my fourteen bucks for the day to buy a shirt and tie. Time to go home.”
But on my way out, the manager caught up with me: “Look around some more. Take all the time you need. I give you big discount.”
Turning back around, I again noticed all the cool stuff in the store. So again, I jumped at the offer. Why not?
Next up was a wall filled with ornate Asian dresses. All were absolutely stunning. There was even a red one that matched the red color decorating my newly purchased shirt. Only one problem, though: I’m a guy, and I don’t wear dresses.
Ah, but I know someone who does. So I give my gal a call, and it turns out she was coincidentally on her way to the mall for some shopping herself.
We met up in the store, and within seconds of seeing her, I charmed her over to the wall of dresses (as in, dragging her by the wrists while hopping up and down) to persuade her to try on the red dress.
Alas, she scurried back to the dressing room, and when she came out “30 seconds” later…it was perfect. Beautiful. It matched her, it matched my shirt, and it cost only $12.50. SOLD!
Then, the manager came out again: “Look around some more. Take all the time you need. I give you big discount.”
“Okay,” I replied. “This shirt is so cool. That dress is so cool. Why not have two colors?”
I plucked another shirt. This time, it had gold color instead of red. “That’s the shirt the Emperor wears,” the manager claimed. The Emperor? I could look like the Emperor?! That’s better than royalty! Sweet! $12.50. SOLD! Of course, we had to get a matching dress, so I had my gal try on a black & gold dress. $12.50. SOLD!
“Look around some more. Take all the time you need. I give you big discount.”
A shirt with tiger patterns appeared before my eyes. The manager quipped, “Valentine’s Day is Chinese New Year. Year of the Tiger. Wear that, and Chinese people will love you.” SOLD!
My gal emerged from the dressing room wearing another beautiful silver dress with blue dragon designs. SOLD!
A set of medallions that celebrate the 12 years of the Chinese calendar. Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, and Pig – all 75% off! SOLD!
Dozens of dishes, 50 cents each. SOLD!
Some really cool Asian artwork up there on the wall. I picked three. Original price: Over $200. My price: $35. SOLD!
Then the manager pulled out the big tamale. The mother of all posters: An authentic Chinese print of Bruce Lee. “Bruce Lee is only one who know kung fu,“ she bragged. “Jackie Chan not know kung fu. Just Bruce Lee. Everyone in China know this.”
Well, shucks. How could I resist that? How could I resist Bruce Lee? I couldn’t, and I didn’t. SOLD!
I ended up shopping at the store for 3 hours. She had me hook, line, and sinker. The madness only stopped when I finally ran out of cash. Thank heavens they didn’t accept credit cards, because if I had any more cash, I would’ve snatched one of the samurai swords, too. But seriously, as cool as it would be to have hanging on the wall, what practical use would I have for a samurai sword?
Slicing watermelon?
The manager of the store shouted to me on the way out, “Come back tomorrow when you have more money. I give you big discount.” You can’t imagine how tempting that was. Looking back, though, I’m glad I escaped the tempting clutch of unlimited half-price Chinese goodies when I had the chance.
It just goes to show you – all of us have our weak points. Sometimes we trip up. Other times, epic fail. Good thing life’s not always about perfection.
As you’ll see in an article that’s soon to come, the idea of Fresh Fruit Pie was inspired by the “Fruit of the Spirit” in the Bible. One of those “fruits” is self-control, and one of our upcoming shows will be a crazy hilarious play on this theme.
Self-control is pretty duh-self-explanatory – it means that a person “controls himself.” Looks like I could use a tune up of my own self-control before writing a TV show about self-control, eh?
